She Wanna Be Saved (Revisited)


He opened the door with her standing there looking up at him, doe-eyed and all.  A tan suitcase, with LV symbols rolling in diagonals rested near her feet.  A purse, with designer symbols on it as well, laid over the top.  In a gradual rise, their eyes met.  She slowly pursed her lips and said, “Please fix me.  I’m broken.”

She was fine as hell.  The yoga pants and top hugged her talents and put them on full display.  He could feel himself getting woozy, swooning in wave after wave of the trance she was working on him, swooning in the hex she was casting on him.  She was chipping away at his IQ, at the point total.  She was dropping his credit score, making him dumber by the minute.

In the haze, he struggled to fight off the pheromones snaking their way toward him.  The mass of molecules drifted across the gulf between them, reaching into his mind.  Yanking at the tentacle looping itself around his neck, squeezing and choking the oxygen to his brain, he loosened it’s hold.   He shook his head, desperately reaching for clarity through the fog settling on the banks of his mind.

Seeing his salvation in a closed window, he ran to it.  Fumbling with the latch on two unsuccessful efforts, he finally managed to push it open. Sticking his head out the window, he sucked in the untainted, oxygen-rich air.

He stared across the gap at an older woman humming a tune while hanging clothes from her window to dry. She was wearing a scarf on her head with a floral print showing through the two coats she wore. She dropped two pins, before a man of equal gray reached forward and slid his hand over hers to help. She fussed at her increasing loss of independence; a possession time was slowly robbing her of.

He took another deep breath and remembered all the shit she’d done to him over and over and over. She was expert at playin’ him. Preying on his feelings and love for her. She knew her power and she worked it expertly.

He spun around to face her. Looking at her, he took inventory. Reaching past her, he grabbed the door knob, “I lack the tools to fix you.” Pulling the door through it’s arc, he told her, “Bye! Get the hell on! Get gone!”

Alone in his apartment, he slid down to the floor. The cataracts began to fall away while he rubbed the itching around his eyes, bringing the colors of the room back. He could smell the mid-day baking of bread floating up from the bakery below, along with the sounds of life passing on the sidewalks.

She’s shallow.
She’s shallow.
Don’t save her.
She don’t wanna be saved.

by malakhai jones
(C) Copyright 2016

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  1. I think every man (and woman) has experienced what you describe so well–not love but obsession. It can screw with every brain cell in one’s possession. It was a great touch for him to observe the older couple interact, giving him a glimpse of true love. I’m happy he pitched her sorry ass out. 🙂 Great writing, M.

    1. Thanks for picking up on the old couple. I didn’t have them in the original draft. He just recovers due to the oxygen, but I thought that by introducing a healthy relationship it would contrast his and wouldn’t come across as too obvious and like a hammer. Thanks Cathy!

      1. Though I didn’t read the original, I think the old couple added a lot to this story, M, sort of an eye opener for the man, contrasting true love as opposed to the false love.
        I’ve also revisited old stories, and hopefully, improved them.

  2. Jones, I loved the way you worded his struggle to see her for what she is. I’m glad he finally saw the light and realized that some people don’t deserve to be fixed. A wonderful read, as always. 😊

    1. Zen! Thanks for the compliment! 🙂 I love getting responses like this based on the characters. Means I hit the right tone and the reader was able to ride along with the character. Thanks again, Zen!

    1. Wassup Fionn?! How are things going? You did read the first version and commented on it. The making him dumber was the line you liked. I kept it, but added a few more elements like the old people, post confrontation, and a little more intro, in addition to making more edits for the flow. I hope you are finding good fortune in the book publishing arena.

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